Why Does Dating Feel Like a Job Interview These Days?
I’ve heard various forms of the same complaint from many a man on my dating expeditions and even from some male writers on this platform:
“Why does dating feel like a job interview? Isn’t it supposed to be about chemistry, connection, attraction?”
Smith College, Northampton, MA
All I hear when men say this is that women having specific standards has taken the fun out of dating and/or completely eliminated their opportunities to get laid. Honestly? Good.
Read on to hear why I don’t care one bit that dating might be less fun for men nowadays.
Recently, on a trip as the only single friend with a group of couples, I had a realization — the guys my friends were with were actually a whole lot cooler than I had thought they would be before I met them. Having only known them by their “credentials” before this trip, I had assumed they’d all be less than stellar boyfriends. None of them were especially highly educated, politically informed, or highly paid. Most of them hadn’t traveled more than 500 miles from the place they were born. In my book, having none of those things going for you is a pretty serious red flag.
Yet, after spending a long weekend with these guys and their girlfriends/fiancées/wives, I really thought they were great dudes and made fantastic partners for the friends I was with. So why did the idea of my friends being with these men make me cringe so hard before I really met them? And why was it so hard to find someone I could be with the way they had? They simply applied for a different (dating) job than the one I’m offering.
For the women I was with, education level, travel experience, salary, political views — absolutely none of those things mattered when considering good partners for them. My friends are all mostly in that same boat as these men in terms of education, social issues, pay, and travel experience. What made them all great couples is that they were a good match (a word I think we use frequently, but don’t actually think about the significance of often enough). They held their own “job interviews” when first starting to date these men, and lucky for both them and the dudes, they were a great fit! The love and chemistry is off the charts and I’m happy for them all!
Now, where some people may take this information and say, “See! Women need to lower their standards! No guy can be expected to have all that going for him just to find a girlfriend!” I think the exact opposite. It all just depends on the type of person you’re trying to attract, just like your qualifications matter when it comes to what kind of job to which you apply.
I encourage all you guys out there interested in dating women to think long and hard about the answers — and the implications — of these “job interview” first date questions.
Did you go to college? If so, where?
This is usually a pretty basic starting point for my dates. Having been raised in a family of teachers, having gone to a top-tier liberal arts college on scholarship, and currently working in the education field, education is extremely important to me.
Typically, I won’t even entertain the idea of seriously dating someone who has not gotten a bachelor’s degree. I say typically because I completely understand that higher education isn’t exactly accessible. Systematic oppression and poverty, a complete lack of financial support for our education system as a whole, capitalism’s interest in maintaining a large uneducated population, family tragedy, other priorities — they all make valid reasons for having skipped out on a college degree! But if a man hasn’t gotten a college degree from a semi-reputable school, I’d like to know why before I consider getting serious with him. Was it because of any one of the valid reasons I listed? Was it because he was focusing his energy on a passion project? Was it because working a job you only need a high school diploma for and spending the rest of his time with friends, family, and doing hobbies he loves was more important to him? Great! We may still have some potential!
If it was simply a lack of willpower, perseverance, or not valuing education, this guy and I are simply not going to gel. Education has played a huge role in my life. It being one of the causes I’m most passionate about, that isn’t going to stop anytime soon. I need a partner who can understand and appreciate that, even if he doesn’t have the exact same experience. It’s just a matter of compatibility.
What do you do for work?
Wanting to know someone’s job right off the bat might seem shallow and superficial, but it can tell a lot about a person. Just like a potential new job wants to know about your work experience, I, a potential partner, want to know what kind of skills you possess or are in the process of building. Do those skills seem like a good balance with mine? What do you spend the majority of your time thinking about? Is it budgets and spreadsheets with no hobbies outside of your job? Once again, we probably won’t gel. I simply do not know how to talk about budgets and spreadsheets all day. If it’s some form of art, education, communication, or performing conflict resolution type of job? We might stand a chance! If you work a budget and spreadsheet type of job, but have hobbies you’re fascinated by and that line up with at least some of my interests, then we still might be a good match!
And of course, I’d like to eventually know a ballpark salary range. What once may have seemed like a question only concerned with the idea of how lavish a lifestyle a man could give a woman, that is no longer the case. I need to know upfront whether I will need to be the one financially taking care of you. While lost jobs or health emergencies might result in that happening in any long-term relationship, I don’t want to be signing up for another mouth to feed without knowing it. I make decent money on my own, and I’ve worked hard to get to a place where that’s the case. Having to financially support another person right from the get-go doesn’t exactly seem like an appealing situation, and it’s definitely one I should be aware of before committing myself to it. Plus, if your money is good and my money is good, the possibilities for the life we could build together expand exponentially and that’s always fun to think about!
What are your political views?
While this isn’t one that should be brought up in a job interview, it’s absolutely essential when dating. I used to think this wasn’t a necessary question and then my entire world expanded around the same time Donald Trump became president. Suddenly, I was in an extremely diverse environment making lifelong friendships with people of all different backgrounds. Things that my privilege once made me completely blind and ignorant to were at the forefront of my mind. Then of course it seemed that society became even more bigoted right as I was having these realizations.
After 2016, having similar political views became an absolute necessity in relationships for me. We simply have no future if you think that my family members and best friends shouldn’t be able to love who they love or identify how they identify. We have no business together if you think my friends should “go back to where they came from” or that I shouldn’t have the right to choose what to do with my body. And that’s not even touching on the issues that would arise if you think it’s better to send my father (high school teacher) to work armed than establish reasonable methods of gun control in our country. Nor does it begin to cover how our relationship dynamic would be if you think women are inferior and belong in the kitchen. We’ve got to see eye to eye on these key issues before I can even think about building a relationship with someone.
Ultimately, the issue boils down to the fact that women are in a position they haven’t really been in before historically. We can live happy, full, complete lives without tying ourselves down to a man. What I don’t think the men asking why women’s standards have gone up realize is that we now have a wide array of options open to us. And I mean W I D E!
I have two best friends who are always flirting with the idea of the three of us pitching in together to buy a home and live our happy Golden Girls lives. The future that option offers is one of near-constant emotional, financial, and professional support, shared values and ideals, evenly divided chores and responsibilities, and a lifetime of dinner parties and sleepovers with my literal best friends. Not a bad deal at all.
Alternatively, with the education level many women attain nowadays, and the financial stability of working decent full-time jobs, some of us are in the position to be able to live completely alone for the rest of our lives. This may not be a life of luxury, but it would be a life spent with company I enjoy (myself) and the ability to pick and choose everything. I’d get to control what decor goes in the house, how often and well that house gets cleaned, when the washing machine is free, what I’m having for breakfast, lunch, and dinner every day of the week. I’d decide what movies and TV shows are on, what type of music I listen to, where I grocery shop, what time I go to bed, what time I wake up, what I spend my days doing, all of it. There would be next to nothing that I didn’t choose for myself or had to compromise on. My life with a single income might be a little more frugal, my community might be built more from clubs and neighbors than a partner or children, but my life would be mine and mine alone. Also not a bad deal at all.
And those are just two of the options open to me and many, many women out there. Imagine applying to a job where the other applicants were as incredibly appealing as those two scenarios I just described. Would you make the cut? Would inviting you into my life, spending tons of time with you, letting you impact the decisions I make, the decor I put on my walls, the division of chores in the household, the amount of emotional support I get from the person closest to me, the amount of sexual satisfaction I have in my life, etc. be better than either of those two options or many others? If not, I’m not going to waste my time.
The first few dates are the prime time to weed out potential partners who would definitely not be better than those options. So rather than complain about how dating feels like a job interview, maybe you should embrace the fact that it has become that way! Brush up on your skills and experiences! Learn about the world around you so you can solidify your opinions and find someone with compatible ones! Read that book on communication or the female orgasm simply because it will make you more qualified for the job of dating an incredible woman.
If you’re not interested in doing any of those things, then own up to it and get out of the way of the women who are looking for a man who is willing to do the work. There are plenty of women out there who don’t prioritize these things in their own life or relationships and are happy that way. Like the friends I spent this trip with, their needs and compatibility desires are entirely different from mine and that’s fine! But this job isn’t entry level — so work on yourself or go find one that is.
